It Took Me 3 Weeks to Cry

So I am totally the type to push down my feelings and try to just think positively to get through things. I hate to cry and just didn't wanna dwell on the past. Well, last night I learned that there is actually a limit to how much stress I can handle.

When I started bleeding I was upset but held myself together. We went to the instacare first and the nurse looked up my blood tests on the computer. She told me that the hCG was doubling appropriately and I cried just a little because at that point I thought that things could actually work out okay. I stopped crying and went to the ER hoping for news that it was something fixable. I still knew that there was a good chance it wasn't but I thought that I would be okay either way. Even after the dr told me that it was ectopic and he was going to have to induce miscarriage I didn't cry. I told myself that this was my first try and we would try again and everything would be fine.

The next day when they jammed needles into my hips and I felt so sick and aweful all day I still didn't cry. I was upset, sure, but I held it together. I spent the next few weeks focusing on other things and telling myself that everything was going to be just fine.

My stress level has been slowly increasing since then with work and Christmas approaching and everything else. I was baking for our annual silent auction and keeping distracted. I made 124 cupcakes and stacked them in boxes neatly on my kitchen counter and left for work intending to decorate them the next day. When I got home from work, I discovered that one of the cats had tried to jump on top of the boxes, flattening one and knocking several cupcakes on the floor to eat. I was so upset I went right upstairs and a few tears came rolling out. I told myself that I was crying for nothing and changed my clothes and cleaned up and salvaged the rest that were untouched.

I went about my night decorating cupcakes while watching TV. I got in a roll with them and Jon even helped a little. By the end of them I was exhausted but realized that I had promised a turtle pumpkin pie for the auction as well. Jon was worn out and cranky by this point and decided to go climb in bed without me and I set about making my pie.

I finished up and climbed in bed. Jon turned off the TV and rolled over and seemed to be asleep almost immediately. Laying there I just suddenly felt so frustrated and exhausted and like I had had enough of everything and tears just started rolling down my face. I had no idea why I was crying but I just couldn't stop. I really just wanted a hug and right about then Jon started lightly snoring which of course made me feel worse because here I was crying and my husband laying right next to me didn't even notice.

That made me lose it altogether. I rolled over and sobbed into my pillow. That woke Jon up and he rolled over and held me until I stopped crying uncontrollably. He was so sweet. He didn't keep asking me questions or make me figure out why I was crying, he just held me. I realized at that point that I just needed to give myself time to really greive. All the stress came crashing into me all at once and I just needed to let it all out.

I still feel like I have a little crying left in me but I don't feel like I need to hold it all back now. Positive thinking is great to keep you moving forward, but sometimes you've just gotta stop and cry.