It Took Me 3 Weeks to Cry

So I am totally the type to push down my feelings and try to just think positively to get through things. I hate to cry and just didn't wanna dwell on the past. Well, last night I learned that there is actually a limit to how much stress I can handle.

When I started bleeding I was upset but held myself together. We went to the instacare first and the nurse looked up my blood tests on the computer. She told me that the hCG was doubling appropriately and I cried just a little because at that point I thought that things could actually work out okay. I stopped crying and went to the ER hoping for news that it was something fixable. I still knew that there was a good chance it wasn't but I thought that I would be okay either way. Even after the dr told me that it was ectopic and he was going to have to induce miscarriage I didn't cry. I told myself that this was my first try and we would try again and everything would be fine.

The next day when they jammed needles into my hips and I felt so sick and aweful all day I still didn't cry. I was upset, sure, but I held it together. I spent the next few weeks focusing on other things and telling myself that everything was going to be just fine.

My stress level has been slowly increasing since then with work and Christmas approaching and everything else. I was baking for our annual silent auction and keeping distracted. I made 124 cupcakes and stacked them in boxes neatly on my kitchen counter and left for work intending to decorate them the next day. When I got home from work, I discovered that one of the cats had tried to jump on top of the boxes, flattening one and knocking several cupcakes on the floor to eat. I was so upset I went right upstairs and a few tears came rolling out. I told myself that I was crying for nothing and changed my clothes and cleaned up and salvaged the rest that were untouched.

I went about my night decorating cupcakes while watching TV. I got in a roll with them and Jon even helped a little. By the end of them I was exhausted but realized that I had promised a turtle pumpkin pie for the auction as well. Jon was worn out and cranky by this point and decided to go climb in bed without me and I set about making my pie.

I finished up and climbed in bed. Jon turned off the TV and rolled over and seemed to be asleep almost immediately. Laying there I just suddenly felt so frustrated and exhausted and like I had had enough of everything and tears just started rolling down my face. I had no idea why I was crying but I just couldn't stop. I really just wanted a hug and right about then Jon started lightly snoring which of course made me feel worse because here I was crying and my husband laying right next to me didn't even notice.

That made me lose it altogether. I rolled over and sobbed into my pillow. That woke Jon up and he rolled over and held me until I stopped crying uncontrollably. He was so sweet. He didn't keep asking me questions or make me figure out why I was crying, he just held me. I realized at that point that I just needed to give myself time to really greive. All the stress came crashing into me all at once and I just needed to let it all out.

I still feel like I have a little crying left in me but I don't feel like I need to hold it all back now. Positive thinking is great to keep you moving forward, but sometimes you've just gotta stop and cry.

More Psychic Predictions

So I got a reading from Jenny Renny again since she was right on before. I'm dismayed to say the least but this lines up with the reading from Cheri too. Here's hoping that it's something simple like a chemical pregnancy in January and then a happy and healthy one in March. :)

Here's the reading:

There is an indication in your reading that you may get a BFP either IN January or connected to a cycle that begins in January but the timeline is not strong, which in a lot of cases result in miscarriages (with regards to past readings I have done for people). Although I do not predict miscarriages, 40 week births I can give what is the most likely positive result with what information I get in the cards.
Your strongest line to a baby is a BFP that comes the month of April from a cycle that starts in March. The baby shows as a boy and his EDD/birthdate is referenced the month of December 2010 - specific reference to the 24th and birth around the 13th of December - it shows as a planned c-section for delivery.

New Psychic Reading

I decided to get a reading again but from another psychic whose blog I've been reading. Her name is Cheri and it just came today. She said that I would likely conceive a baby girl in March and the baby would be born next January. I've been trying to put out into the universe that I'll conceive in the end of January, but March is close enough and I'll be perfectly happy as long as it sticks this time and in the right spot!

Here's the full reading:

They show you with a little girl and they are telling me MARCH so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in. I am leaning towards conceive month as they also link JAN as a connection.

Shes someone who i think is going to keep you on your toes. always pays close attention to what is going on around her, and always seems to have an answer for everything. Shes strong, always the type that is going to stand up for what she believes in and is not going to put up with peoples bullshit. She is someone who i see being really strong personality,. You can always count on her to do the right thing, no matter how hard it is to stand up to the people she respects while doing it.

They they show her looking similar to you, having the same head shape and eyes, nose. She has your husbands ears, and mouth. She is going to have the similar color to what you have as an adult but when younger seems to have a lighter color hair that darkens as she gets older. Shes always going to keep it right past her shoulders in length, it usually has a slight curl to it near the ends. Shes always got this really sweet smile and a slight dimple on the left cheek. I think that you will find that she always shines through with confidence. She is not one to cry for no reason and seems to be very strong emotionally. She can be around girls that are not really nice and is not the one to take what they seriously. Often able to look them in the eye and tell them to piss off and actually feel good about it.

Shes probably one of the most caring people you will know and has no problems with going out of her way for anyone. She works hard for everything she gets and is proud of her accomplishments. In fact, prefers that things are not handed to her on a silver platter.

When it comes to marriage I see her closer to 22, they will have two boys of their own.

When it comes to career paths, they show her linked to journalism.

Healing

So it looks like I am finally getting better. My hCG levels rose after the shot at first but they have finally started dropping. Here's the progression: 11/24 371; 11/27 1067 ;11/28 756 ;12/2 1157; 12/5 937. If there hadn't have been at least a 15% reduction in my hCG level today I would've had to get more chemo shots and I definitely did not want to go through that again. I just keep telling my body that it is healthy and that my levels are dropping and that it will be all better in a matter of weeks. Positive affirmations! Mind over matter. :)

Pregnant... Wait, Nevermind. Here's Some Chemo.

I knew from before I found out I was pregnant that something was wrong but I didn't know what. It's actually kinda weird... I had a feeling before I even ovulated that this cycle was going to be it for us; I just knew somehow. Then I got the Jenny Renny reading that said that I already was pg and that confirmed it in my mind. At about 8DPO I somehow didn't feel like I was pg anymore. It was really wierd, but I didn't think that I had the same symptoms like I did before. Then I started bleeding and I thought that I didn't feel pg anymore because AF came and that was that.

Well, I had two dreams about POAS (opk) and it coming up + and then finding out I was pg. I thought about testing a few times just to put it out of my mind, but I knew it wasn't possible so I didn't. Well lo and behold, I use an OPK on what I thought was CD10 and get a +. I was really excited that day but still didn't feel pg yet but let the excitement take over. I called my OB and they told me to come in that afternoon for a blood test because they were worried about the bleeding as well.

The next morning the OB called with the blood test results and I could tell by the tone of her voice that it was not good. I knew right then that things were not going to turn out well. They wanted me to come back on Thanksgiving for another test but I was out of town by that time and not back until Friday. I went in Friday for the retest but didn't get any results until I ended up in the ER.

When I started bleeding on Saturday night, I went to the InstaCare clinic first and the nurse basically just talked to me and told me I had to go to the ER. She looked me up on the computer and told me the results of the blood test from the day before. My hCG numbers had gone up and doubled as they should have. I was really hopeful and that's actually the only time that I broke down and cried.

When I got to the ER the Dr. didn't say much at first. He had someone draw blood and then I went for an ultrasound. Of course the ultrasound tech said nothing as she was jamming the probe around inside me, but she spent a lot of time with it aimed at my right side so I knew that something wasn't right. The ER doc finally told me a few hours later that he spoke to my OB and reviewed the u/s pics with her and they were about 90% sure that it was an ectopic pregnancy. They needed my labs back to confirm though.

When the labs came back, he said that my numbers had actually gone down a little, suggesting that the bleeding was because my body had already decided that the embryo was nonviable and was starting to miscarry. He said that I could either let my body expel it on its own and risk a rupture in the process or get the methotrexate shots and help the process happen much more quickly. I of course opted for the metho shots. That happened Sunday and now I will get my blood drawn twice a week until my beta numbers get down to zero.